Prologue rewrite

I’ve been thrown for a bit of a loop with the advice I got about my writing. I got some extra help on the matter which has actually helped make sense of it all. I’ve have tried rewriting it but I’m not sure if I’m on the right track. I rewrote the prologue that I posted here a few months ago. It’s not big changed but small sentence changes. Here’s the new one:


Night time is the best chance to search the forest undetected, thought the girl as she sneaked out of the house in the bright light of the full moon. Armed with a torch and an old map in a little book, she crept to the path. Filled with a righteous sense of duty she followed through a plan set down many decades ago.

Several hours later, however, she felt exhausted and disappointed. She spun around on the spot to turn back when she suddenly glimpsed something yellow in the torchlight. Swinging the beam back, she found the yellow rosebush that she had been desperately searching for.

She hurried over to it, and then paused to catch her breath and hide the book safely away.

As the first rays of the brilliantly red sunrise filled the sky, something broke the silence of the forest. A voice chanted, and as it ended, reality shifted. The bounds of human nature shattered, and the girl disappeared into nothingness.

She tumbled between the junction of the worlds, her thoughts a frantic stream of panic.

This is not right!

What has she done to me?!

Her mind went blank as excruciating pain overtook her senses.

Pain. Agony, unlike any other she’d ever experienced, pierced through every inch of her body. It felt like million tiny knives stabbing through her skin. A searing, ripping feeling exploded from the centre of her spine, causing her entire body to shudder. As the convulsions intensified several thoughts blurring through her mind…what’s happening? I need it to stop.

She plunged through turbulent air. The pain gave way to a new pulling sensation, the most severe tugging focused on her back.

She lost all bearings and no longer knew which way was upward. Not that it mattered anyway; she could no longer string a coherent thought together.

A blinding yellow light shot across her vision, and then nothing.

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